Over the years, both as an educator and mental health counsellor, I have been privileged to work with countless parents who, for one reason or another, were going through a challenging time with one of their children. From preschool age through high school - parents are likely to, at some point, experience their children having discipline problems, learning or social challenges or unpredictably changing their behaviour during transitional developmental periods.
Every time, I have been humbled by their vulnerability as they seek to understand how to engage with their child in the best way possible—how to support them while balancing their own feelings about how they show up as parents.
This can be a tumultuous and emotional time for parents, as they face a whole cast of inner characters (parts or voices) in their minds—patterns rooted in their own history and life experiences—that come up and evoke feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, or self-judgment.
Depending on the inner character that shows up, parents find themselves turning from loving parents into unhelpful archetypes such as ‘Prosecutors’, ‘Preachers’, ‘Victims’ or ‘Rescuers’ when engaging with their children.
Almost without exception, the most important thing I have had to offer them during challenging periods with their children is to help them be more present in the situation by identifying which voice has taken over, noticing the stories they are telling themselves in their minds and the impact on their behaviour and interactions their child.
Learning to be more aware of their own internal process and being able to engage with problems from an Explorer mindset—gathering and making sense of the “data” and challenging mental scenarios—allows them to be more present, available, and supportive of themselves and their children. And that can make all the difference in the world.
A child’s journey through school and school experiences - what they learn from each other or the system they are in - can complicate or intensify tensions with their parents. Relationships with peers, school culture and today’s schools’ relationship with the larger culture it is embedded in - can all impact a young person's sense of well-being at a time when they are most susceptible to being influenced. We are living through challenging, turbulent and sometimes frightening and anxiety-producing times, filled with competing and confusing narratives. For our children, regardless of age, the times that they are now living through are bound to shape their future and who they become as adults.
Parents have such a big impact on their children's future and can influence both their own growth and their children’s by providing them with a safe and loving space to explore who they uniquely are – a safe harbour away from the chaos of the world. Parents influence their children all the time through their actions, the choices they make and the things they say. With some simple skills and their loving care, they can teach their children what are likely the most important skills they will ever learn.
We take it for granted that our schools provide safe and meaningful experiences for children and, as a result, parents often focus more on their child’s achievement than on what values they are absorbing while at school and what they are learning about themselves.
This used to make perfect sense as we’ve historically used grades and achievement as the most important markers for how successful our kids will be in the future. While it’s generally true that schools and teachers have their students' best interests at heart, they also feel the pressure of needing to raise test scores as a measure of the success of their teaching. They often have little time and are under so much pressure to perform that their view of a student’s well-being may not be 20/20. Furthermore, they too are trying to balance their feelings and perspectives about how best to support students while also struggling with the impact of the world we currently live in.
Now more than ever, it is so important to build a bridge between school and home – so that parents can consciously help their children make sense of their school experience and support their emotional growth, providing them with a safe outlet for sharing their feelings about school, themselves and the complex times we find ourselves in. How do we build this bridge for our kids in-midst of our own hectic lives?
This may not be as complicated or time-consuming as it seems. And it may gift both us and our children a precious experience of growth. So many of us, adults, carry our own growth scars from our school experiences, which shape our perceptions and attitudes about education. Surfacing and and exploring allows us to make sense of them from a different perspective and gain insight into what our own children might be going through.
A few simple skills (maybe not so simple but learnable) like being fully present, listening deeply and reflecting back to them what you hear may be all that’s required. Building a habit of making room regularly for 10 or 15 uninterrupted minutes of conversation in our schedules can be so valuable. Making sense of and coming to a shared understanding of what our kids going through, entering their world while also sharing our own with them, can alleviate a lot of tension while also providing an opportunity to grow as human beings together.
In my experience, this is the most important skill we can teach children.
Here are a few steps for preparing for and showing up in these conversations – bringing ourselves in the NOW with our children – ready to listen and hold the space.
BRIDGE BUILDING
Bringing our minds in the NOW:
Sit upright with feet on the floor and feel your body on the surface that you're sitting on. Put your hands on your thighs. Notice any tension in your body and release it.
Watch your breath without doing anything. Just notice your breath going in and out and the rising and falling of your chest.
Take a few slow deep breaths in through your nose and gently out through pursed lips.
Return to regular breathing and open your eyes.
Reflective Questions to consider before, during and after the conversation:
What intention am I bringing to the conversation?
Am I focused on who they really are, or who I think they should be?
Am I asking curious questions, or taking over the conversation?
Am I listening without interrupting, bringing my full attention to the conversation?
How can I be sure what will be the right thing for them? Can I hold my certainties lightly?
Am I listening with curiosity, or with judgement?
What was my own experience with school and how does that influence my conversations with my child?
When the conversation is done, what did I learn about how I showed up?
If I imagine seeing myself through my child’s eyes – how did they see me show up in this conversation? What might I do differently next time?
Regularly practising being present and self-reflecting makes this easier and easier to do over time. The more aware you are of your inner world, the easier it is to create a calm sense within you. Yes, it will still be hard to quiet your mind, that’s natural. When you notice that you are lost in thought, simply acknowledge that and return to the present – without judgment.
Cultivating a habit of holding space for candid, non-judgemental conversations where you bring your full presence, will be teaching your child some powerful lessons for their emotional growth. They will learn what it feels like to be fully heard and accepted. They will experience feeling confident to share their thoughts and feelings and the calmness and safety of engaging with others this way. They will be learning who they are as you reflect back to them what you hear.
A few things to keep in mind as you start this practice:
Practising breathing and presence so that you can truly engage with your children is essential. In addition to creating regular times for you to talk, there are bound to be times when an impromptu situation arises and, with it, an opportunity to connect. The more that you practice and begin to embody what it feels like to be present, the more able you’ll be to show up in this way when they need you. Regular practice prior to beginning this with your child will be like rehearsing for those moments when there is no time to prepare, yet you need to be fully there.
Creating this kind of space will be a challenge for both of you. When something triggers either or both of you, it will be natural to default or fall back to your typical ways of engaging. It is human to lose perspective, to fall back - so be gentle with yourself and your child. As you get better at this, you can each point out what has happened and choose to reset and see it as a learning opportunity when it arises.
Practice and model being compassionate and accepting of yourself and your child, especially in your harder moments. Acknowledge the willingness to work at it and to show up no matter what. Small wins over time can help to build trust and a strong foundation going forward.
Building a Bridge together is a gift for you and your child. Be gentle with yourself and kind to one another.
Good luck on the journey!
If you have enjoyed this guest article by our friend and fellow researcher and practitioner Dr. Dan Kaufman, please check out the podcast we recorded Dan exploring adult development in education.
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