You are Only in Charge of You
How recognizing this truth allows us to connect more fully with our intentions for how we show up.
“You are only in charge of you.”
It’s a regularly spoken refrain in our house as my children obsess, seemingly endlessly, about what their sibling is doing.
“But she already used all of her tech tickets and she’s sneaking another one!”
“But I was telling a joke and he ruined the punchline.”
“But he has his elbows on the table at dinner.”
“But he called me a jerk…interrupted me when I was telling a story…gave herself the larger scoop of ice cream…never stops talking, so I don’t have a chance to speak….”
Occasionally, I offer it as a reminder when my kids are complaining about how others outside of our household are behaving.
“But the coach was yelling at us and telling us how awful we were. He made us run laps because we were having fun. Aren’t we supposed to be having fun? Can’t he see that negative reinforcement isn’t motivating us?”
And how they feel justified in behaving in response…
“So, I started coaching the team, using positive language to show him how it’s done.”
“So, I just continued doing my own thing, but this time with emphasis so he could see how right I am and that he was doing it wrong.”
“So, I’m not going to go to practice next week, because he told us not to come if we weren’t willing to work hard. I already was working hard!”
Me: “I’m not saying that Coach is right. What I am saying is that you aren’t in charge of him. You are only in charge of you.”
This worrying about and attempting to control others’ behavior is not solely the domain of children, though. Recently, I was accompanying a client as she rehearsed for an upcoming scene in which she thought there was high likelihood that she wouldn’t show up her biggest self. A scene in which she was prone to fall back into a less conscious and mature way of seeing the situation and the others in it, a less conscious and mature way of behaving.
I asked, “What is your intention for how you show up to this conversation?”
She replied, “My intention is for my boss to listen to my opinion and to decide that mine is the best course of action.”
I gently pushed, “But what is your intention for you in this conversation?”
“Right,” she quickly replied, not sure why I hadn’t heard her the first time. “I want him to understand my perspective and to go with what I am proposing.”
“I understand that this is your goal for the outcome of the meeting. But you are only in charge of you, not him,” I offered. “So, how do you want to show up for you? What is your intention for your relationship with your boss? What is your intention for who you wish to be in this particular scene, in the broader organization?”
“Oh…,” she said slowly. After a few seconds, she softly said, “I see. What is my intention for me?”
We are not accustomed to thinking this way. Our orientation is so often about others and what they are or aren’t doing; how they are wrong; what they can’t see that, if only they could, all would be right in the world. But the truth is, whether we are 10 or 50, we are only in charge of ourselves. We can’t make anyone else see, think, believe, behave the way we want.
This is a truth that I, too, am frequently confronted with particularly in the context of raising my 10- and 14-year-old children. (In truth, in the context of my relationship with my spouse, too.) Sometimes as parents, we can and do coerce, exert power over, demean, shame, guilt, and punish our children into doing what we want. But while the children we are raising may acquiesce, at least in action though frequently not in spirit, we often end up diminishing who we are and who we wish to be—in relationship to them, and as humans in the world—in the process. The external gain we garner from attempting to be in charge of others comes at an internal price as we disregard our values in service to getting our way, or being right, or having and showing that we have the upper hand.
“You are only in charge of you,” is a refrain I repeat often to myself.
Through my research, practice accompanying others, and in my own life, I’ve found that intentions can be an incredibly helpful scaffold. Connecting to my intentions and having them as a touchstone to return to when I lose my way and go into what I refer to as “default mode” helps me more frequently bring my most mature self, my most important values, and my highest purpose to my interactions in the world and importantly, with the children I grow. And when I get swept up in the moment, take the bait, and fall back, reacting with a capacity (or lack thereof) that is more aligned with my adolescent children’s developmental stages than it should be with my own as a (supposed) grown-up, connecting to my intentions offers me a toe-hold to pull myself out of the pit.
“You are only in charge of you,” I remind myself. “So who do you wish to be? …for yourself? …in relationship to this child you are growing? Who do you wish to be in the world? And given your answers to this, what is your intention for you?”
Wisdom for humans young and old who are always and forevermore in the practice of growing.
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